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For me as a woman in my fourth decade, I’ve always believed that politeness is essential, which includes apologizing when I think I’ve made a mistake. Even with a satisfying life, I’ve struggled with very low self-confidence. This mix of trying to acknowledge people and lacking faith in myself has turned me into someone who over-apologizes. Frequently, it happens so reflexively that I’m unconscious of it. It originates in anxiety and has affected both my personal and professional life. It annoys my loved ones and workmates, and then I get annoyed when they mention it—which only heightens my anxiety.

Public Speaking and Questioning

This over-apologizing is especially concerning when it comes to addressing a group or posing queries in front of people. I try to have a script to stay on track and avoid anxious tangents, but even that doesn’t work most of the time. As an early-career academic in politics, speaking with confidence is crucial. I’ve attempted to tackle this through exposure therapy, such as leading sessions and pushing myself to ask questions at community gatherings, despite experiencing humiliations from established male academics. I’ve also tried pausing before speaking to become more aware of when I’m apologizing, but this is effective at first before I fall back to old habits.

Personal Peace

I don’t think I’ll ever totally accept myself, and I’ve made peace with that. I still value life and find it rewarding. My main goal is to curb the constant apologizing. I’ve learned that professional help might assist me, but I wonder how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a important skill, but it must be used wisely. Too little or too much, and you place a load on others.

Exploring the Causes

A counselor might explore where this habit comes from. Questions like, “How young were you when this developed?” or “Was it internally driven or inherited from someone close to you?” Sometimes, early ways that once helped us become maladaptive in later years.

In fact, some of your present actions could be seen as self-defeating. You know it annoys those around you, yet you continue it.

The Role of Therapy

When asked what therapy could do, one approach focuses on staying present rather than acting. Much of effective counseling is about understanding yourself, not just addressing problems. A qualified professional will gently challenge you, offering a comfortable setting to examine and accept who you are.

Instead of facing fears head-on, a relational approach with a supportive guide might be more beneficial. This can help you come back to yourself and examine how you judge, dismiss, and undermine yourself. It can assist in identifying self-criticism, stopping it, and finding more self-compassionate ways to see things. Your self-esteem can grow from there.

Actionable Tips

Changing long-standing behaviors is difficult, especially in anxious times when apologizing feels like a automatic response. But you can start by thinking on how saying sorry serves you and what it would be like to hold back. Often, it’s an effort to avoid discomfort or exposure, by admitting perceived shortcomings before others do. This can create a vicious circle of frustration and nervousness.

Even processing later can be useful. Try counting to 10 before responding, or use a prepared reply instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I understand” can make others feel heard without you taking blame.

This process will take patience, but acknowledging there’s an issue is a significant first step toward change.